samuraiprosecutor | 71: Making amends [Locked to Shito]

...Thank you.

I'm afraid it's difficult for me to find the good in anyone who seems to take so much pleasure in maliciously harming others. His cousin is a monster, and I've seen little evidence to suggest that the boy is--or wants to be--any different.

It's easy to assume that the face that someone shows the world is the real one. Why should he trust you with his real feelings?

Why should I?

Perhaps you shouldn't. Unlike some people, I see no need to soften or sugarcoat my opinions. I speak what I see as the truth. If you're averse to being judged on a personal level, you may prefer to keep your real feelings to yourself and leave me to judge by the only evidence I'm given.

Then judge me by what you've seen. It doesn't mean I have to like you, or agree with you. You know nothing about me that's of any importance.

Fair enough. I certainly can't claim that it's not tempting...the idea of never facing a truly meaningful judgment, never having your flaws and foibles scrutinized. Not that the community seems willing to allow any of us that luxury, of course, but I can't fault you for clinging to it while you still can.

As for your...partner, there is one thing I'm curious to know. Obviously whether or not you answer is up to you.

Does he carry as much blood on his hands as Mikk does?

Funny you think that I have that option. Just because I'm not interested in telling you everything so you can make some kind of assessment of who I am doesn't mean there aren't people in my life who know.

He's my boyfriend, not my partner, and I don't know or care the answer to your question. I don't know how many people either of them has killed, but I believe Devit isn't a killer at heart.

Point. But I'm not looking to assess. At least, not solely as a means to judge or belittle you. I'm looking for truth, which I value above all things. If I can't have the full truth, I must make do with what little I can glean.

I've never liked that term. Not that 'partner' is much better, but at least it doesn't have such a juvenile connotation.

Whether he is or not is rather inconsequential if his actions have cost people their lives. Do you imagine Mikk's victims would have felt better about their deaths if they knew he didn't really mean it?

Truth is valuable. Why do you deserve to have it? What will you give me in return? You have nothing I want.

I have a partner, and he's not Devit, and I'm not sleeping with him. As for the term boyfriend, Devit's a teenager, and I sort of am, so it fits. I don't like 'lover', and we're not married or engaged or anything stupid like that. He's my boyfriend.

I don't really care about it one way or another.

If you're expecting tit for tat, I'm afraid I must disappoint. I'm not a complicated man. I am what I appear to be, and my truths are already on display.

Keep your mask up if you will. It makes no difference to me. Just know that when you refuse to show your true self, you leave yourself little room to complain when others can only judge by the things you let them see.

This is one area where language always fails to effectively serve the speaker's needs. Euphemisms seem trite in the face of such things.

Then clearly I can't trust your opinion on what makes a good person.

Edited 2010-10-12 17:12 (UTC)

You're so stupid. I don't care to know your truth even if you were maintaining a mask. You mean nothing to me. If you died tomorrow, my life wouldn't change.

I never complained about you judging us wrongly. No matter how much better you think you are than us, that doesn't mean you have the right to use me to hurt Devit. It's disgusting. You already apologized, so that's fine, but don't apologize and then try to justify acting like that towards us. I don't care if he's a murderer, or trash. If you think he is, then stay away from him, or stop him yourself. Tell him to his face that you think he's awful. Don't use dirty tricks and then stand there acting like you're so righteous.

It's a stupid thing to argue about, anyway.

I'm not a good person, so it's hard for me to have an opinion that's worth trusting. I don't care what Tyki Mikk's victims might think under one hypothetical and meaningless circumstance or another. I don't know them. Devit may be responsible for atrocities, or he may not have committed any. I've never asked him. But I believe that if he has committed acts like that, there are reasons for it that aren't his fault. That doesn't mean he's not responsible for them, but it means I can trust him. And that's all I care about personally.

You asked what I could give you. The natural assumption would be that you were asking for an even exchange. To begin with I only asked for the information to give you an opportunity to show me how I was wrong in my assessment of you. If weren't interested in proving me wrong, you were under no obligations to take it.

I'm not justifying anything. I'm stating a simple fact. People judge. It's in man's nature to assess the people around them, whether for threats or usefulness. To expect anyone to do otherwise would be foolish. But you're mistaken if you think I believe my 'superiority' in any way justifies what I did that night. My actions would have been wrong regardless of who I was dealing with, and I'd never try to claim otherwise. There are two separate issues at hand here. Please don't confuse them.

You'll find I have already made my thoughts abundantly clear to him, and I do avoid him wherever possible. I haven't been the one to initiate any of our interactions, nor will I ever be, as far as I'm concerned. I not fond of socializing with pleasant company, let alone someone as abrasive and uncouth as he is.

Who's arguing?

Mikk's victims are only an example. The question was meant in general terms, and your answer has told me all I need to know.

My question was rhetorical. Like I said, you have nothing I'm interested in.

They're not separate. You did what you did because of your opinion of Devit. Am I wrong? If I were dating someone else, someone nice, would you still have sent them that picture?

Good. Keep away from him, then. And keep away from me.

Given that I don't know what could have possibly inspired me to behave that way in the first place, I couldn't say for certain.

...Acually, you do appear to be wrong, at least in part. I'm reviewing the texts in question. Apparently neither of us bothered to identify ourselves, and I was unaware of your relationship until after the fact. I may not have reacted the same way with someone who was less combative, but my reaction seems to have been based solely on the immediate conversation. My opinion of him overall doesn't appear to have been a factor.

I already intended to.

Then why do it at all? What was that conversation about?

As far as I can tell without more context, it appears to have been about proving a point...with something less than my usual panache. Did he share the texts with you?

I didn't look at the texts, no.

~~Perhaps you should have glanced through them before blindly attacking~~

Hm. The boy was asserting that while intoxicated you weren't responsible for your actions, yet simultaneously he was holding all the other intoxicated individuals responsible for theirs. It sounds as though I was attempting to point out his hypocrisy.

I don't know what in God's name could have inspired me to think that was an acceptable way to punctuate my point, but that's the only explanation I can give.

~~That would be easier said than done given how many he sent~~

No one ever said that Devit was a logical person. But you hold yourself to a higher standard.

Ordinarily I hold myself to the highest of standards. This...lapse in judgment isn't something I would ever have believed myself capable of. I've been taken advantage of far too often to ever want to do the same to anyone else.

...Least of all an individual I thought was a minor, for God's sake.

Hmm, I guess anyone has circumstances under which they'd do something horrible.

That doesn't absolve them of their responsibility for it. Besides which, for me to stoop to that level should have required much more radical circumstances than one drunken night. I've been drinking since my youth. I know how to hold my liquor. I know I'm perfectly capable of keeping myself under control, or some semblance of it. Yet my behavior last night was utterly shameful. Short of the community having a hand in more than just getting us there, I have absolutely no explanation for my actions.

Well I've known that drinking has a terrible effect on me for centuries, too. I never would have drunk at a party like that unless I was forced to, or tricked into it. So I have to assume the community forced me.

It forced us to drink, perhaps. Tempting as it would be to blame the community for the entire debacle, I can't simply throw away all responsibility without real evidence that it forced us to do anything beyond that. I've never been drunk to the point of a total blackout before. I can't say definitively that that result isn't possible, even if it seems completely atypical for me.

It's hard to know. Even a tiny amount of alcohol has that sort of effect on me, though I've never rarely actually blacked out, either.

71: Making amends [Locked to Shito]

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Strike typed then deleted. >_>

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